Pining for the Fjords

3:20pm: blah blah uninteresting blah
In the process of packing, I decided to clean out my "folder of things that make me smile" because sometimes I just put paystubs in there. I found quite a few things in it from the end of last year that made me want to cry, all of which I ultimately would up ripping to shreds, which was very therapeutic. Most notably, I found a piece of paper that I had filled with tiny writing about the time that I hooked up with someone, and it included a lot of specifics that I had forgotten about - in particular, things that make it clear how ultimately insignificant it was for the other person. This is why I should never just hook up with people - I make more of it than it really is, agonize, and ultimately undermine the experience by making it painful to recall. I was (and in many ways still am) a naive girl. I have made so much more of this than was ever called for. I did eventually move on, and I feel so much better; I just can't believe how much time I spent unhappy because I couldn't just accept it.

In other news: I will be back at Smith tomorrow, woohoo!

2:44pm: Finals? What finals?
I've done nothing. Gotten nothing done. I'm freaking out. Today I made soup for Andrea, because she needed to eat real food. Apart from that, I can't work on my computer science because it mysteriously just stopped working in the part that the professor wrote, and I don't know why. So yeah. Reflections maybe? Teaching myself moment of inertia? Centroids? Chinese?

Ugh. I just want to go home.

11:33am: I'm not *that* bad
To truly appreciate this anecdote you need two pieces of information:
 1) I've been having a pretty bad time of if emotionally lately, and I usually go to Ami and Andrea with my woes.
 2) I really like ribbons.

Ami and Andrea were at breakfast yesterday speculating that the reason I've been wearing ribbons on my wrist lately is that I've been cutting myself. Ummm, no. Maybe I have problems, and maybe I've done nothing proactive about them (such as their perpetual suggestion to see a therapist), but I have absolutely no intentions in that direction.

I don't know why I'm angry about this.

3:14pm: fantastic!
Today's schedule:

8am - Pumpkin Regatta and seeing all my awesome crew buddies!
11am - brunch with &rea and her parents - did I mention how much I love going out for breakfast?
12pm - "jogging" out to the park across from NHS, which is gorgeous
1pm - laundry, which means clean clothes, yippee!
3pm - shower, so I can be all clean-like for...
5pm - The Darjeeling Limited at Pleasant Street, and...
8pm - THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS SPECIAL HORN SHOW!!!!!

Let's just say, if I had someone to share it with, this would totally be the best day ever, and I really just mean a friend, not that kind of friend.

Still, today kicks ass!

11:00am: sanmingzi
I'm so glad this is a non-issue right now. It was only ever half an issue anyway I suppose, but non-issues are much better than that. I have many other things that I can worry over anyway, more important things. Yeah, solving a problem with another problem isn't the best thing, but I think that may be what I was doing in the first place. If that makes any sense. Hey look! Mommy, I actually solved one of my emotional problems! Yay!

I'm a sandwich.

2:49pm: Reinforcement
Emma, stop being an idiot. Control yourself. Don't do anything inappropriate.

5:00pm: You're out of your tree!
This afternoon, when I was done with my lab report, I took my knitting and a used book and climbed a tree down by the pond. I stayed there for about an hour and a half drinking coffee, knitting, reading, and just generally pondering. It was really very enjoyable, and I should do that kind of thing more often. Well, I would, if I had time. I would also go for bike rides if it weren't for the fact that someone hit my bike with a car and bent the back wheel all to hell. Now I need a new wheel and some kind soul to help me put it on; I wonder if Al would in exchange for banana bread. Did I mention that I just spent $50 on my bike this summer to get it tuned up?

I can't wait for break. I need to go home and be in a ruthlessly non-Smith environment for a little while. I need sea air and cats and the knowledge that it the weather will stay properly fall-like all day.

9:30am: umm, woot?
I'm pretty darned excited for a day off. Some people aren't terribly, but I am. Mountain Day comes but once a year, and it's totally worth the stress over when exactly it will be. Well, it will be if I don't have to work.

In other news, I dyed my hair Friday night. It looks pretty awesome.

7:25pm: This is the sound of settling
Okay, Ami's parents drove me and Andrea and Ami over to Target today, and I really need a desk lamp because the one I have is a clip one that doesn't work without shelves above these desks, and we have slanty ceilings. There were only six halogen desk lamps at target, and we aren't allowed halogen anything because it's a fire hazard. So, my desk is still in the dark and I am sad. I can't believe they ran out.

Also, I can tell that the HCA, Sarah, who I love in so many respects, is going to be a hard-ass about regulation following, so having the halogen one wouldn't fly at all. I had to get a new electric kettle because the one that was willed to me didn't have automatic shut-off and she noticed and was going to write me up about it.

Speaking of things that were willed to me, the shelves Jeana left me are fantastic and I just found out that Kristi left me her chalkboard. I can't wait to go buy some chalk (and sticky tack instead of pushpins) and hang it up!

1:00pm: I need you so much closer
I'm procrastinating from my life. I need to keep packing because there is a flurry of activity coming up this weekend and after, and I need to be really truly ready to put myself together to go in about an hour once that all starts. Oh gosh... So anyway, I have to buy a bunch of stuff and I'm really not looking forward to it because I will have to pay for most of it this year. Fun... Oh yeah, sure mom, I'll pick up your lipitor and do the $40 co-pay. I hope she writes me a check soon for it, because otherwise we'll both forget, and that would be bad. So, I need to pack, but I still need access to all of my clothes so that I can pick stuff to wear for the next 12 days until I get to Smith. I could pull down my posters and stuff and get that ready, but that has a really depressing effect on a room. I could pack my school supplies and toiletries, but oh wait, I still have to buy most of those, and I really don't feel like going to Staples and Target today. I also need to get a haircut and be immunized for HPV (which I don't know if I can do with one shot), but do I have an appointment for either? No.

So, the long and short of it is this: I have a lot of shit to do, but haven't finished any of it, and I am complaining instead of actually doing anything. Oh well...

11:18pm: I am not a wet blanket!
I try not to be one, at any rate. My aunt and uncle came to visit for a few days, and for those few days I basically didn't go to work because it's been nice out and I only have to write a paper anyway... This isn't exactly my best approach, but I have gotten some things done I guess. Anyway, I love my aunt and uncle, but I hate that there is no alone time when they are here - sometimes I just need to be completely by myself to just rest and think. I don't get to do that when people are in town. I'm already exhausted, and then there are people in the house who want to be up talking until 11:30, and I'm officially too old to try and excuse myself to go to bed or whatever. I shouldn't complain, seeing as when I do have free time, such as tomorrow morning, I don't rest or sleep in - I go for bike rides into Portland just because I never have before, or I cook elaborate meals, or I clean out my closet.

This afternoon I nearly took an impromptu nap when I was supposed to be leaving to drive my dad to pick up his car. I went from there to the Rustic Overtones patio show, which was excellent. I tried to meet some people from work, but there were just too many people there. I'm glad I went, and stayed until the end, because Rustic got a lot better as the show went on, but it would have been much better with a friend. Anyway, from there I went to a SeaDogs game, which I haven't done since I was 10, at least. I didn't want to go, because I was tired, but the organization that is funding part of my grant payed for a box seat ticket for me, and people were expecting me to be there. After all of my complaining, I had a great time. Why do I worry so much about these things? I'm easy-going enough to have a good time doing just about anything - I'm really up for whatever, but sometimes I get it in my head that I won't like something. I pride myself in not being a wet blanket, but sometimes I go into things feeling I'm about to become one.

Pool party tomorrow! I haven't been swimming in the pool all summer, and I haven't eaten a hamburger either (I think...). I'm excited!

4:13pm: Like it or Not
I actually got something done today with regards to my paper and presentation. I'll be here for 45 more minutes - am I going to get anything more done? No. Alas, this is how my days will go for the rest of the internship. My post-doc friend Ulrika is leaving to go to Sweden for a month, so I won't see any more of her, likely ever. She's really nice and has taken good care of me - I'll miss her.

Yesterday I had to have a filling done -  and I thought about Amy's screw and various jaw surgeries while they were messing around in my mouth. Even when you can't feel anything you still know they're in there. It freaks me out a little too much.

Today is one of those days when I leave home in the morning and don't get back until more than 12 hours later. I hate days like this - even five minutes at home would make it better, because then at least I could pretend I could rest. Damn free opportunity to use the gym. Damn Chinese class. My Aunt and Uncle come tomorrow as well, which just means less time to myself. I just want me time lately, which would be useful for sleeping, although I probably wouldn't use it for that. My body decided this week that it's high time I get caught up after two months of barely six hours of sleep a night. I hate sleeping - I always feel like I'm missing something.

11:44am: And so the procrastination begins...
In two weeks I have to give a 20 minute presentation on the research I've done this summer and submit a 3-4 page paper on the same. I'm supposed to be working on that today. Instead, I made a mix cd, talked with my coworkers about Harry Potter, made four trips to the kitchen for tea/coffee, looked up what books I need for next semester, listened to three episodes of ChinesePod, and looked at all of the news on my bbc rss feed. I hate news. Now I'm writing about how bad I'm being, which is almost more sad.

9:53am: I had forgotten how much I love subways. There are no subways in Maine, which is unfortunate, as I would really enjoy riding on one more often. The closest one by far is in Boston, but I really hate the T. Clearly I need to spend more time in New York or London or DC. Maybe I could engineer newer, better subway cars or something. What would that be anyway, civil engineering? I hate how I equally enjoy the feeling of being somewhere big and being completely nowhere. Most people are smart enough to choose one or the other, but my brain is the one that wants a subway running out to Pleasant Mountain. This is kind of possible in the part of DC that my Aunt and Uncle live in (NW near the Maryland border off of MacArthur Boulevard) but DC in the summer is so completely oppressive that I don't think I could deal with it. Maybe, but it's doubtful.

I liked feeling independent and traveling on my own for once. My dad hasn't even let me drive down to Smith yet because he can drive faster than I can and is better at handling traffic. He doesn't seem to realize that the only way I'm going to learn how to drive in traffic is with some experience. Feeling like I can handle things fairly well on my own is so nice - I knew I didn't need someone to cook for me, or do my laundry, and now I know I can travel and make decisions and spend time in big places without needing all kinds of other people.

I wish I felt that I knew my own mind. I want things that are completely pointless to want, and that just feels idiotic. Then I think that I don't actually want those things at all - I just want them because I can't have them. But maybe I do want this and it's just unfortunate that I can't have it. I can hardly believe I'm putting so much time and thought  and energy into something so futile; I guess that's just what limenence is.

9:57pm: Young and Pretty in New York City
I can't wait. After an 8 hour bus ride I'm probably going to be either so bursting with anticipation (or so dead from sitting for so long) that I might die upon arrival to the Port Authority.

In other news, I did not have to jump out a window at work today because they didn't have any immunohistochemistry or immunocytochemistry for me to do, so I just left early. Unfortunately, I have to go in tomorrow morning to do something quickly before I leave for the bus station.

I'm so happy right now. I hope I'm this happy when I get back.

1:27pm: Well, try not to hurt yourself
Julie came up from Smith on Friday to visit for the weekend. Carly and Igo were out of town and Ha had booked herself pretty well solid with work, so we wound up hanging out with Grady a lot. It was nice; I hadn't seen Grady in a month and I saw him 3 days in a row. Grady and Julie also make for the perfect combination of "Open" craziness, without being at all dotdot about it. Grady also miraculously completely understands the dotdot story, which was fucking hilarious.

At the annual bbq I nearly took my face off with a firework because I thought I hadn't lit the fuse properly. Fortunately I am completely intact and have learned my lesson: as soon as you light the fuse walk away, even if you aren't sure if it's actually lit or not. Speaking of the bbq, I look forward to that meal all year long - pulled pork sandwiches to completely knock your socks off. Fuck vegetarian tendencies  - pulled pork is where it's at.

Someone *coughmyfathercough* thought it would be nice of us to drive Julie back to Smith yesterday afternoon so that she wouldn't have to take the bus. This was a bad decision all around because Sunday afternoons in the summer are always always the worst time to try to drive from Maine to Mass, and Sunday afternoons directly after the 4th of July are particularly hellish. It took 2 hours to drive 50 miles on 95 south before we bailed and got on back roads for the rest of the trip. Friggin' tourists - how dare you bring money into the state! You clog up our roads! Yick. I saw Smith for about 5 minutes total before we had to leave. Drove past the 'Burn, but that was about it. I want to go back. An hour might be nice if I'm not in a huge rush like last night.

6:03pm: Being busy is good!
A week into work and today was the first day that I actually put in a full eight hours. I feel like a slacker leaving by 3pm most days, but they really don't have that much for me to do most of the time. Today I actually spent the whole day in the lab, which was really nice. Being busy and having lots of things to do is much more fun and fulfilling than just sitting around reading stories from my various rss feeds multiple times. Today I did a fluorescent staining on some cells I had growing, and I now have some rather nice pictures to my name. I'm doing more stainings tomorrow and Thursday, and... well, I don't really know what I'm doing on Friday. I think that the postdoc I'm working with is appreciating not having to babysit me in the lab so much anymore. I know how to mix media. I mostly know how to split cells. She can just tell me to go do either of those things and I'll be mostly fine on my own, and then she can get to work on other things.

The Principal Investigator is most definitely Swedish, despite his Scottish-sounding accent. I should have known, since his name is Leif, but I had some misgivings until this point. He said something about his mother visiting from Sweden and he and my postdoc (who is also from Sweden) had a long conversation in Swedish yesterday. It's very strange because the postdoc doesn't sound Scottish at all. Possibly Leif went to college in Scotland, or something like that. Hmmmm, must ask around about these things.

I told my parents about how I felt that they had pushed me into being an engineering major, and apparently they had no notion of this. Ugh, I still don't get to be anything I want though. It's very very frustrating because now I need to figure out why I'm doing this if it's not that my parents want me to. I guess the utility of a BS is a good enough start. We also got into this big argument because I want to go to China for a summer instead of doing a year abroad, just because it would be easier with engineering. My mom asked "well, why can't you do both?" and I said "because the study abroad office doesn't want you to" and she said "well, that's complete bullshit!" and started off on this whole rant about how she thought that living in a different country was really important because there are things that you only get to know if you live there. Umm, that's why I wanted to go to China, mom. That's also why I want to apply for a Fulbright, and do an Erasmus Mundus graduate program. Unbelievable...

4:49pm: Finally, structure
Day 1 of internship done. Very boring, lots of training videos/powerpoints/lectures some of which had nothing to do with what I'll be doing, but because we're under the hospital umbrella we need to sit through them for legal reasons. Apparently we got the "cut down" verson, which was nice. Tomorrow I get to meet my Principal Investigator (PI) and the postdoc I'll be working with, which might be less boring but is sure to make me more nervous. I'm excited for 3pm on wednesday: doughnut break for all MMCRI employees.

There are boys in the program. I forgot about that. They're in a relatively even split as well. It reminded me of a conversation one morning fall semester in Hubbard:
Ashley and Drew "We just saw a male in Seelye!"
Kristi "Mail as is post or male as in boy?"
Ashley "Boy, but you know you're at Smith when I could just as easily have meant mail, and it's kind of sad..."
Me "I didn't think you'd be that excited over mail, but it did cross my mind, and it helps to clarify these things."

8:42am: Something not emotional for once!
I have 6 days of nothing left before my internship starts. I've been enjoying the freedom the nothingness gives me, but I'm actually really looking forward to having a regular schedule again; without one I tend to forget important daily activities, such as brushing my teeth in the morning. I know, I feel disgusting when that happens. In preparation for a 9-5 workday (not including a long bike commute), I've been getting up much earlier, but somehow getting to sleep before midnight is still impossible. I'm enjoying having my mornings again, but being perpetually beat is kind of annoying. I keep thinking "today is the day that I'll tire myself out so much that I'll be out at 10", but it never is.

I realized this week that I have less than 10 months left to be a teenager. I won't be particularly sad to see it go, but I will miss having the excuse of being a teenager to be mildly annoying to my parents. I've always been a good teen that actually liked my parents, or at least I acted like it. Any bad thing I did, when compared to my sister's teenage antics, was completely reasonable. Soon I'll be 20, and I'll feel doubly stupid and immature acting like a brat from time to time. At 20 I'll have no convenient excuse, or at least I won't feel like I do. Oh well.

I sold balloons at the Memorial Day Parade with my parents and a bunch of SPHS seniors. It was hot and involved a lot of walking and talking to people that I haven't seen in ages, and didn't particularly want to see in some cases. That being said, having accomplished something large-ish by lunchtime felt nice.

The girl I was selling with offered to teach me how to make a quilt, which I've always wanted to do in the back of my mind. Somehow, I feel like this would be a bad time to do that, considering how I've been trying to do things that I know I find interesting, rather than ones that I know others find interesting, in an effort to differentiate myself. This is becoming very difficult, because I've lost the place where the act ends and I begin. "If you look close you can't tell where my nose ends and space begins." I'm not terribly worried about it. I'll come back to myself soon I suppose, but then again, how am I not myself?

10:59am: Hoopy Frood
Are you a Hoopy Frood? Do you know where your towel is? I'm sure I know where mine is.

Happy Towel Day!

12:48pm: Disassembling is dangerous
I'm still unpacking after over 10 days at home. I need to clear out before I can unpack properly, and so I've been working on that off and on. It's a big project, and I hope I can finish before 4 June otherwise it will never get done. Today I found some old journals that I had tried to start a habit of writing in in 6th and 8th grade, etc. How embarrassing! I ripped out the incriminating pages and I'm donating the mostly blank journals to Goodwill. My 8th-grade self in particular is quite horrendous to think about. It was all about who I liked and fantasies about people thinking I was attractive and Linkin Park and blah blah blah. Sometimes I feel as though I haven't gotten much better. God, I hope I have.

Most of these memories are so poorly put together as well. I have no talent for getting events down in a way that will mean much to me later. I assume that I'll remember things like on such and such a date I got this great haircut. Six years after the fact I don't even remember how long my hair was, much less people complimenting (or not complimenting) me on how "great" it looked. I write about feelings and ideas and all the crazy stuff that is going on in my head, but no real events. There is no story in my writing.

For that reason, I'm really sorry to everybody who reads this journal and finds it boring. I'm more reserved knowing that others are free to read what I have to say, but mostly I write when I'm emotional or need someone to talk to but nobody is around. I just cryptically express how shitty or happy or whatever I feel, and most likely it means nothing to anybody.

1:27pm: We'll build our walls aluminum...
I feel vaguely creepy, and I really need to stop being this way. I obsess, and I make vain attempts at being different than myself sometimes. I usually manage to convince myself that I'm just tapping new depths to my personality, rather than just imitating someone else's interests and habits, etc. I am extremely malleable in this sense.

I know, I know, I am my own person. Most people that know me well (and thus I deeply respect their criticisms) will say that I've never had a problem being my own person. It's just that when I change I don't know if I'm changing because it's me or because it's someone else. I worry about it being someone else, or just other people in general.

That being said, I'm enjoying having new interests. New music, new things to read, new creative things to do in my spare time, new posters on my walls (it was free with my purchase!). I just don't want to overdo it. It's happened before. I still don't like to drink soda (especially Mtn Dew), and my sleeping habits are still closer to what Ben Franklin would have precribed than not. Somehow I still feel like I should go back to basics, get out my analog camera and take some artistic b+w photos, listen to some of The Band, and dig around in the garden. If my bike weren't in the shop I'd take it out for a good couple hours.

It's too nice to be in here writing this. I could take my laptop outside, but I don't think that's terribly productive.

10:55am: So, I left Smith a week ago. Wow. It doesn't really feel like that long, probably because in my head I'm still there a lot of the time. Exactly a week ago I was sitting on Amy's "harlot" futon watching Amy and Andrea pack. I was there when Amy's posters came down. I was there when Andrea got stressed out and started crying. I was there for a lot. I wonder if living in that room next year will be weird for me. I'll just have to have Andrea over a lot.

I miss everything.

Is this really May weather? Seriously.

I went to Brendan's house to steal the new TMBG album from him. Don't worry, I'm still buying the real thing when it comes out in July, but I needed to listen to "The Mesopotamians", badly. You have to stand up for that song, you know, it's the new anthem.

1:45pm: Dear Emma's body,

Fuck you. I wanted to donate platelets today, but you wouldn't let me because you flipped out when the needle went into your arm. This is literally the 4th time I've been to the donor center and I've only actually been able to donate blood once. The first time they wouldn't let me because I'd been to Mexico, which I can understand. The second time I was all good, and I donated some whole blood. The third time I tried to donate platelets, but my heamatocrit was one point too low. This time, it wasn't anybody's fault but yours, you and your stupid vasal vagal reactions to everything. ARGH! This is so unbearably stupid. It should not be this hard to do a good thing. So yeah, body, fuck you.

-Emma

9:51am: I'm feeling a little better now. Still emo, but definitely better. I hung out with Carly last night for a while. We went out to Angry's (aka Friendly's) and I had some tea and she had a milkshake and we talked and talked and talked about all of our stuff. It was really good. I showed her some pictures and figured out why she couldn't hook up to the internet (she was using the wrong cable). My dad says he has an extra wireless router that we could sell to the Cummings, cheap, and set up for them. I'm pretty sure that if I weren't already integrated into that family, I would be then.

I also had a nice talk with Grady about some things. This was really good as well. I'm glad we talked, it also made me feel better about everything, although I don't think he knows how unrealistic he is. "Why don't you go visit *unnamed place* this summer then?" Well, Grady, because it wouldn't help the whole "moving on" thing, not that I want to move on yet at all.

It's a good thing TMBG music can't help but make me smile, because I keep trying to use it to feed my emo based on associations, but instead I just can't help but feel gloriously happy when I listen. You just can't listen to "The Alphabet of Nations" without cracking a smile, it's like drinking a gallon of whole milk in an hour or eating four saltines in a minute, it just can't be done.

I'm such a creep sometimes, with my freebox sweater that still smells faintly amazing, and my clear-lensed sunglasses (they say they're protective), and trying to be still at Smith in my head. I told my mom, still waiting to tell my dad. Tomorrow. My dad is so much more chill than my mom, so I think it will go better with him. Or it will if he doesn't try to convince me that I'm not.

Home is weird. If I want vegetables with dinner I have to cook them. There isn't an infinite supply of salad on hand. I also have to buy some rice milk, because for whatever reason I'm addicted to it. I've only been home for one night and I already feel so unhealthy.